Taking Responsibility is the key to greater freedom
Responsibility can be a tough bedfellow. Today in a couple of separate encounters, one with a 14 year old girl and the other a 40 year old man, I heard how they had recently experienced difficult times in their lives. What both had in common was they blamed others for their plight. The common theme was ”If only x had done y then z, and I would be ok”.
I watched this dynamic without judgment. I too had taken such a position for a very long time. I also felt a little saddened because I realised nothing could be changed permanently until they realised there was another way of seeing their situation now and in the future.
On both occasions, I attempted to suggest maybe there was another way of viewing their respective situations. Not to make them wrong, but to show them a way out of their agony. Both firmly rejected my suggestions, because sometimes, just sometimes, as human beings we would rather be right than happy.
Sometimes you only see the light when you experience the darkness
A number of years ago, I personally experienced hard times. It was a depressing period in my life; the future looked bleak indeed. I knew things had to change. I didn’t know it then, but I came to realise what had begun as a monumental disaster, turned out to be the biggest gift life could have handed me.
As I pondered on what had gone so wrong, I blamed everyone and everything. The truth was some external and some internal factors had led me to that low point and blaming or focusing on external factors was getting me nowhere fast.
My first “light bulb” moment happened when I began to take total responsibility for my experience. I couldn’t control everything in my world. What I did have power over was my response to what life threw at me. Focusing on whose fault it was and wanting to point the finger of blame was deflecting from the energy needed to move beyond the situation.
Secondly, I began to pay attention to my intuition. I overrode my intuition pretty much of the time. The rot began early in life, times when I wanted to be like my peers; I wanted my relationships to be harmonious; I didn’t want to rock the boat with my parents. After many times of overriding my own internal truth, I realised my own best friend was inside me.
Acceptance releases the energy used for blame to finding a solution
Accepting my situation I began what I thought would be a slow and torturous route out of the fix I found myself in. On the contrary, it was the most enlightening and exciting of journeys. It wasn’t easy, but it was transformational. I went from being broke, dispirited and in despair, to a place where I was financially secure, optimistic and at peace with myself. The experience was like replacing a house of straw with a house of bricks with very solid foundations.
Taking Total Responsibility
I developed a vision: I set goals for my working life, I set figures for my income, how I would feel about my work and how good I would be at it. I achieved them almost 2 years ahead of target.
I set out a detailed plan. I needed certain skills and experience. I articulated the detail of “how” in my plan. I achieved all milestones and was offered the job I wanted before I had met the outcomes in the plan.
I engaged my team. I needed a support network around me. My beloved network included my family as well as my professional colleagues and friends. I let the right people know things had changed, and I got them on board to help me.
I focussed on my successes and goals. I didn’t waste time thinking about the reality of the situation I found myself in. I faced up to it, identified the gap between where I was and where I wanted to be, and concentrated on closing the gap; not the past. In the present moment, I chose to be grateful for what I had achieved and the help and opportunities which came my way.
I let go of unhelpful doubts, thoughts and beliefs. I got in touch with the power of my mind. Doubt and negativity simply create resistance to achieving what you want
I have used those steps many times when leading teams at work as well as creating my life outside of work. Repetition should create mastery, yet I still struggle at times, but at least I now take total responsibility, so if things don’t work out, I only have myself to blame.
A great post Christina and I can totally relate to your ‘lightbulb’ moment. We have no power to change anybody except ourselves and in the same way we can’t change a situation but it is up to us how we respond. It took me a long time to realise this!
Carolyn, thanks for the kind feedback. You’ve achieved what many haven’t so good on you. I agree with your comment about not being able to change others, I must admit in my earlier days I did try to, and needless to say it didn’t do anyone any good :) Thanks again for your contribution- much appreciated.
I had a similar experience in the sense of hitting a low point which lead to a clear understanding of what personal responsibility and accountability truly is. Since, I’ve been repeating to our organization the message that assuming responsibility is empowering, not burdening. A few get it, but most don’t, as in your example. How can this lesson be effectively taught to others?
Hi Glenn, thanks for commenting Appreciated. In reality you can’t change anyone, and maybe people have to hit a similar low point like you and I experienced to realise blaming others or reacting badly to what life throws at you doesn’t actually work. I have found however there are 3 categories. Those that always got it: those willing to learn and those who are closed to learning. The trick is to be kind no matter what. At work, I found I needed to have clearly understood boundaries of responsibility and accountability at team and individual level. This means those who don’t get it have parameters to work with. In a development situation; manager coaching, external coaching or at an extreme cognitive behaviour therapy are good ways to challenge limiting beliefs and perceptions, without forcing changes in perceptions. After all everyone needs to learn in their own way. Also leading by example and including personal responsibility and accountability as a business value helps, especially if incorporated into the recruitment process which can easily discern at that early stage those who take responsibility and those who don’t. I wondered if you’d tried anything different?